And I didn't get one tackle...

My family reminds me a lot of the Barones from "Everybody Loves Raymond." They always mean well and provide a unique comedic touch to my life. Case in point:

Last week, I was a bit busy. I was staying a little late for work because I was letting my students make up work for report cards AND I was prepping some students for the Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills (TAKS), which apparently is a pretty big deal in Texas.

Anyhow, all of this puts me at home around 7-ish when I have to walk my dog and usually prepare dinner--my wife works 11-hour days and gets home AFTER I do--which leaves me little time to talk on the phone (which is usually silent from work. BTW, does anyone even use landlines anymore?).

So, to shorten this, my stepmom had been trying to call me, and I'd missed (at least) a few of her calls. I finally called her back. Here's (loosely) the exchange:

Me: Hey, what's going on? I'm sorry I missed your calls.
Her: Fine. Are you OK?
Me: Yes, why?
Her: I had a terrible dream about you, and it sent my heart racing.
Me: What happened?
Her: Well, I had this dream that you had on some sort of helmet and you couldn't get it off, and you were about to pass out...

R-A-N-D-O-M....

How many good movies have you seen? The '90s - Part I

Here's a safe bet: I was hitting puberty during the '90s. If I've seen some of the top movies of my adolescence, I'm guessing there are tons of hot chicks, sexual references, and/or nudity in these films. I haven't even seen the list yet. How well do I know myself? Let's see. All the racy stuff is in bold.

1999:

1. Election
2. Being John Malkovich
3. Boys Don't Cry
4. American Beauty
5. Magnolia
6. The Talented Mr. Ripley
7. Bowfinger (really?)
8. Office Space
9. Eyes Wide Shut
10. The Best Man
11. Dogma

Notable misses: Toy Story 2, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, The Matrix

1998:

1. The Truman Show
2. Shakespeare in Love (when Paltrow was still good)
3. Out of Sight
4. Mulan
5. Rushmore
6. There's Something About Mary
7. He Got Game
8. Slums of Beverly Hills
9. Bulworth
10. You've Got Mail
11. Analyze This
12. The Wedding Singer
13. Wild Things
14. Sliding Doors
15. Rush Hour

Notable misses: Saving Private Ryan...

1997:

1. L.A. Confidential
2. Insomnia
3. Boogie Nights (see what I mean?)
4. Face Off
5. Men in Black
6. The Rainmaker
7. As Good as It Gets
8. Liar Liar
9. Titanic (overrated)
10. Gattaca
11. Scream 2
12. Soul Food
13. Selena
14. The Game (underrated)
15. My Best Friend's Wedding
16. In & Out
17. Lolita
18. The Devil's Advocate

Notable misses: Again, I'm fine with this list. '98 was a good year...

1996:

1. James and the Giant Peach
2. Sling Blade
3. Fargo
4. That Thing You Do!
5. Jerry Maguire (a fave)
6. Scream
7. The Truth About Cats and Dogs
8. A Time to Kill
9. Romeo & Juliet (the Leo one)
10. Tin Cup
11. Executive Decision
12. From Dusk Till Dawn
13. The Nutty Professor
14. 2 Days in the Valley (underrated)
15. Independence Day
16. Set It Off

I'll cut the list off here. I turned 13 in 1996. Obviously some of these movies I've rented. Anyhow, one last thing about cinematic nudity: I think it's funny that so many women in Hollywood think they're too good for nude roles once they "blow up," and that it becomes some sort of "treat" to see them undone (see: Halle Berry (Swordfish, Monster's Ball)).

Um, yeah... I don't feel safe...

Reason No. 10,241 why working at a school never gets boring:

In addition to being an English teacher, I'm a basketball coach. I only bring this up because you'll normally catch me with a whistle around my neck. (In addition to being the precursor to push-ups and sprints, the whistle is a classroom-management miracle! Now I just need this guy to sell my idea.)

Anyhow, my afternoon walk from 5th period (basketball) to 6th period (English) was interrupted by one of our five security guards. Here's the exchange (loosely):

Him: Do you have another one of those?
Me: (puzzled) What?
Him: That whistle. I could use one of those. We're gonna start traffic duty.
Me: (even more puzzled) Sure. I'll give you one next time I see you.

That's right up there with "Have kids" and "Visit New York City" on my list of things to do... Speaking of lists:

Way No. 955 to Tell You Work in an Unsafe Place: The security guards ask you for work-related materials....

I mean, am I asking him for Shakespeare quotes???

Why old people always should have cameras on them...

Reason #4,096 why old people need cameras on them at all times:

In case you're wondering, I'm an English teacher. About two weeks ago, I did a lesson on figurative language (simile, metaphor, hyperbole, etc...) and challenged my students to write poems, which are like breeding grounds for figurative language...

Anyhow, the students were going to present their poems at a coffeehouse. (I actually served tea... don't want about 25 teens on caffeine... and, yes, I know decaf exists.) In addition to the beverage, I served a variety of snacks.

The day of the coffeehouse, I decided to make all of my preparations in the teacher's lounge. This is because a class of rowdy students are in my room 1st and 2nd periods (my conference periods). While I'm prepping, an old woman, comes into the teachers lounge. It was immediately awkward.

Thankfully, I realized that I left something in my room and went to get it. When I return, I see the old woman eating one of my honey buns. She looks at me and says:

"I only ate one. I'm a substitute. I'll be working here again Monday. I'll pay you for it." Naturally, I turn down her offer. What was I gonna do? Break her thumbs?

All right... This happened on a Thursday, by the way...

So, the following Monday, I see her in the halls and she says:

"Good morning, sir. Thank you for the treat."

Random...

At least I got the potatoes and macaroni...

Here's an out-of-the blue six degrees of separation:

How could I get from Valentine's Day to someone who could've saved O.J. Simpson?

My wife planned on making a special dinner for us and needed a few ingredients from Wal-Mart. I told her I'd pick them up because I needed to get her gift. (We're on a budget. So it's not bad that I waited until the last minute.) Anyhow, I decided to get her some DVDs. (Not Blu-Ray. We're on a budget)

So, I perused the pitiful DVD section at Wal-Mart and I stumbled upon this. And it got me to thinking about O.J. Simpson. I mean, even a nun will admit that the latest Simpson trial was a smokescreen for the crime(s) everyone thinks he got away with. I mean, the prosecution relied on the testimony of people as shady, if not shadier than Juice. I mean, if anyone could've saved the Juice, it would've been Matlock, right?

Anyhow, I settled on Jersey Girl, the Bridget Jones sequel, Shakespeare in Love, and The Break-up.

P.S. How didn't the kid in Jersey Girl become more famous? She's more appealing than Harry Potter.

How many "good" movies have you seen? The 2000s - Part II

Recap: I'm going through Rotten Tomatoes' Top 100 movies of each year, since 1983 (the greatest year EVER...) to see how many "good" movies I've seen since I've been alive. I finished with 2004... but let me say this:

I was at Wal-Mart the other day and I saw pictures of Jessica Simpson, who may or may not be morphing into Wynonna Judd.

Anyhow, I'd normally be against criticism of a person's weight, but when that person's body (not talent) is a huge reason for her success, I think it's, at worst, justifiable. Remember this? She'd probably crush that poor guy's throat today. On with the list.

2005:

1. Good Night. And, Good Luck
2. The 40-Year-Old Virgin
3. Walk the Line
4. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Notable misses: Capote, Brokeback Mountain (not really), Pride and Prejudice, Batman Begins, Hustle & Flow

2006:

1. Pan's Labyrinth (SUCKED!)
2. Little Miss Sunshine
3. Notes on a Scandal
4. Inside Man

Notable misses: The Queen, Casino Royale (my man card is under inspection), The Departed, The Last King of Scotland, Thank You For Smoking

2007:

1. Juno
2. Knocked Up
3. The Simpsons Movie
4. Eastern Promises (none of those promises were that it'd be good...)
5. Superbad
6. Breach

Notable misses: Ratatouille (ha!), The Bourne Ultimatum, No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood

2008:

1. The Dark Knight

Notable misses: What's as good as Ledger in The Dark Knight?

Have fun at the movies. Buy two tubs of popcorn, if you're with Jessica Duke....

The Aviator

I'm a basketball coach... a young basketball coach, and that puts me in a position to teach the game to and play the game with my high school players. One thing, though...

I'm one of the tallest people at my school.

See, I live in Brownsville, TX, which is 90-plus percent Hispanic. And, let's be honest, Hispanics are not known for their "verticalness."

Everyone asks me what it's like to be able to dunk. In a word: AMAZING.

And the next thing they ask is what it's like to dunk on someone.

It's a rush. Almost like flying. Yesterday, I got another sampling of that. I dunked on some kid who's a few inches taller than I (which is correct... I'm an English teacher, too). Now, to his credit, he's young, hasn't fully grown into his limbs, and WHITE. So maybe those rumors will persist. (And maybe Wesley's cleavage just made this a PG-13 blog...)

Before my wife and I moved to Brownsville, I'd never flown (on a plane). I was lucky enough to be on a jet, which means FAST. All I can say is that it was a rush.

When I was in high school, I was a member of the After Hours Jazz Ensemble; we played one of Frank Sinatra's standards. It'd be my theme song, if I were a flight school instructor.

Dunking = being on a jet + "Come Fly With Me"

P.S. No Hispanics were harmed in the posting of this blog... No flight-related incidents to report...