Adventures with a cameraphone - Vol. 1

Friday, March 13, 2009, was the day before Spring Break, and I had to spend that day helping out at the 54th Annual Legend's Track Meet... it's one of my obligations as a coach in his offseason. Anyhow, the meet occurred during the day, which meant I had to take a professional leave day, which meant I had to book a substitute. I told one of my friends, a coworker, that I would email him the work to give to my sub...

One problem: my Internet went out... So I had to manually deliver the work to the school Friday morning, and while I was there I saw something extremely random, and moments like that make me glad I have a cameraphone.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the lack of secureness my high school's security guards provided. I know I could have said 'security' instead of 'secureness.' Anyhow, there are 2,000+ students at my high school... I want you to mentally rank the list of a security guards priorities... then, tell me if, maybe, the security guards might be going overboard in one area....

Way No. 1,016 to Tell You Work in an Unsafe Place: The substitutes are more afraid of getting parking tickets than  being shot. Security, I need you to pool your resources and refocus them...

Can't spell scapegoat without T.O.

I don't want to make this a sports blog (because I could stay on here all day), but I have to say something about how the Cowboys ditched Terrell Owens.

Disclaimer: The author is fully aware that Terrell Owens has a selfish/diva/attention-seeking persona, which has earned him every bit of the flak that gets thrown his way...

Now...

They made him the scapegoat in Dallas. He was an awful productive jackass. In his stint in Dallas, Owens had more receiving touchdowns than ANY receiver in the NFL, and that's including Randy Moss' 23 TD season.

Again, I'm not saying he didn't deserve to be cut, but was he the SOLE reason the Cowboys stunk it up? You mean he was the only bad locker room guy there? He certainly wasn't the worst player there.

The knock on T.O. is that he doesn't catch everything (and he does drop a ton)... and he still caught 38 TDs in three seasons.

The other thing that people may say is that it was Romo who helped him... He's No. 2 all-time in TD receptions... He's been doing it his whole career.

And he also has been rubbing people the wrong way... but these people are GROWN MEN. And so is T.O. Therefore I expect grown men to behave as such.

So, T.O. grow up on your next stop. Teammates, be the bigger man... regardless of how many times it takes...

If your life were a movie...

Who would play you?

Well, Michael Phelps has that question answered...

And, you know, what makes it so eerie....

(whispering)
His last name is.... SCHWIMMER...

Thank you. I studied under Nostradamus...

R-A-N-D-O-M

I've got an acronym for random. It's mine. I coined it. I take full ownership over it. Don't try to use it or I'll send her after you...

Anyhow, here it is:

Reality
Always
Need
Dubious
Odd
Moments

And I didn't get one tackle...

My family reminds me a lot of the Barones from "Everybody Loves Raymond." They always mean well and provide a unique comedic touch to my life. Case in point:

Last week, I was a bit busy. I was staying a little late for work because I was letting my students make up work for report cards AND I was prepping some students for the Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills (TAKS), which apparently is a pretty big deal in Texas.

Anyhow, all of this puts me at home around 7-ish when I have to walk my dog and usually prepare dinner--my wife works 11-hour days and gets home AFTER I do--which leaves me little time to talk on the phone (which is usually silent from work. BTW, does anyone even use landlines anymore?).

So, to shorten this, my stepmom had been trying to call me, and I'd missed (at least) a few of her calls. I finally called her back. Here's (loosely) the exchange:

Me: Hey, what's going on? I'm sorry I missed your calls.
Her: Fine. Are you OK?
Me: Yes, why?
Her: I had a terrible dream about you, and it sent my heart racing.
Me: What happened?
Her: Well, I had this dream that you had on some sort of helmet and you couldn't get it off, and you were about to pass out...

R-A-N-D-O-M....

How many good movies have you seen? The '90s - Part I

Here's a safe bet: I was hitting puberty during the '90s. If I've seen some of the top movies of my adolescence, I'm guessing there are tons of hot chicks, sexual references, and/or nudity in these films. I haven't even seen the list yet. How well do I know myself? Let's see. All the racy stuff is in bold.

1999:

1. Election
2. Being John Malkovich
3. Boys Don't Cry
4. American Beauty
5. Magnolia
6. The Talented Mr. Ripley
7. Bowfinger (really?)
8. Office Space
9. Eyes Wide Shut
10. The Best Man
11. Dogma

Notable misses: Toy Story 2, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, The Matrix

1998:

1. The Truman Show
2. Shakespeare in Love (when Paltrow was still good)
3. Out of Sight
4. Mulan
5. Rushmore
6. There's Something About Mary
7. He Got Game
8. Slums of Beverly Hills
9. Bulworth
10. You've Got Mail
11. Analyze This
12. The Wedding Singer
13. Wild Things
14. Sliding Doors
15. Rush Hour

Notable misses: Saving Private Ryan...

1997:

1. L.A. Confidential
2. Insomnia
3. Boogie Nights (see what I mean?)
4. Face Off
5. Men in Black
6. The Rainmaker
7. As Good as It Gets
8. Liar Liar
9. Titanic (overrated)
10. Gattaca
11. Scream 2
12. Soul Food
13. Selena
14. The Game (underrated)
15. My Best Friend's Wedding
16. In & Out
17. Lolita
18. The Devil's Advocate

Notable misses: Again, I'm fine with this list. '98 was a good year...

1996:

1. James and the Giant Peach
2. Sling Blade
3. Fargo
4. That Thing You Do!
5. Jerry Maguire (a fave)
6. Scream
7. The Truth About Cats and Dogs
8. A Time to Kill
9. Romeo & Juliet (the Leo one)
10. Tin Cup
11. Executive Decision
12. From Dusk Till Dawn
13. The Nutty Professor
14. 2 Days in the Valley (underrated)
15. Independence Day
16. Set It Off

I'll cut the list off here. I turned 13 in 1996. Obviously some of these movies I've rented. Anyhow, one last thing about cinematic nudity: I think it's funny that so many women in Hollywood think they're too good for nude roles once they "blow up," and that it becomes some sort of "treat" to see them undone (see: Halle Berry (Swordfish, Monster's Ball)).

Um, yeah... I don't feel safe...

Reason No. 10,241 why working at a school never gets boring:

In addition to being an English teacher, I'm a basketball coach. I only bring this up because you'll normally catch me with a whistle around my neck. (In addition to being the precursor to push-ups and sprints, the whistle is a classroom-management miracle! Now I just need this guy to sell my idea.)

Anyhow, my afternoon walk from 5th period (basketball) to 6th period (English) was interrupted by one of our five security guards. Here's the exchange (loosely):

Him: Do you have another one of those?
Me: (puzzled) What?
Him: That whistle. I could use one of those. We're gonna start traffic duty.
Me: (even more puzzled) Sure. I'll give you one next time I see you.

That's right up there with "Have kids" and "Visit New York City" on my list of things to do... Speaking of lists:

Way No. 955 to Tell You Work in an Unsafe Place: The security guards ask you for work-related materials....

I mean, am I asking him for Shakespeare quotes???