Why old people always should have cameras on them...

Reason #4,096 why old people need cameras on them at all times:

In case you're wondering, I'm an English teacher. About two weeks ago, I did a lesson on figurative language (simile, metaphor, hyperbole, etc...) and challenged my students to write poems, which are like breeding grounds for figurative language...

Anyhow, the students were going to present their poems at a coffeehouse. (I actually served tea... don't want about 25 teens on caffeine... and, yes, I know decaf exists.) In addition to the beverage, I served a variety of snacks.

The day of the coffeehouse, I decided to make all of my preparations in the teacher's lounge. This is because a class of rowdy students are in my room 1st and 2nd periods (my conference periods). While I'm prepping, an old woman, comes into the teachers lounge. It was immediately awkward.

Thankfully, I realized that I left something in my room and went to get it. When I return, I see the old woman eating one of my honey buns. She looks at me and says:

"I only ate one. I'm a substitute. I'll be working here again Monday. I'll pay you for it." Naturally, I turn down her offer. What was I gonna do? Break her thumbs?

All right... This happened on a Thursday, by the way...

So, the following Monday, I see her in the halls and she says:

"Good morning, sir. Thank you for the treat."

Random...

At least I got the potatoes and macaroni...

Here's an out-of-the blue six degrees of separation:

How could I get from Valentine's Day to someone who could've saved O.J. Simpson?

My wife planned on making a special dinner for us and needed a few ingredients from Wal-Mart. I told her I'd pick them up because I needed to get her gift. (We're on a budget. So it's not bad that I waited until the last minute.) Anyhow, I decided to get her some DVDs. (Not Blu-Ray. We're on a budget)

So, I perused the pitiful DVD section at Wal-Mart and I stumbled upon this. And it got me to thinking about O.J. Simpson. I mean, even a nun will admit that the latest Simpson trial was a smokescreen for the crime(s) everyone thinks he got away with. I mean, the prosecution relied on the testimony of people as shady, if not shadier than Juice. I mean, if anyone could've saved the Juice, it would've been Matlock, right?

Anyhow, I settled on Jersey Girl, the Bridget Jones sequel, Shakespeare in Love, and The Break-up.

P.S. How didn't the kid in Jersey Girl become more famous? She's more appealing than Harry Potter.

How many "good" movies have you seen? The 2000s - Part II

Recap: I'm going through Rotten Tomatoes' Top 100 movies of each year, since 1983 (the greatest year EVER...) to see how many "good" movies I've seen since I've been alive. I finished with 2004... but let me say this:

I was at Wal-Mart the other day and I saw pictures of Jessica Simpson, who may or may not be morphing into Wynonna Judd.

Anyhow, I'd normally be against criticism of a person's weight, but when that person's body (not talent) is a huge reason for her success, I think it's, at worst, justifiable. Remember this? She'd probably crush that poor guy's throat today. On with the list.

2005:

1. Good Night. And, Good Luck
2. The 40-Year-Old Virgin
3. Walk the Line
4. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Notable misses: Capote, Brokeback Mountain (not really), Pride and Prejudice, Batman Begins, Hustle & Flow

2006:

1. Pan's Labyrinth (SUCKED!)
2. Little Miss Sunshine
3. Notes on a Scandal
4. Inside Man

Notable misses: The Queen, Casino Royale (my man card is under inspection), The Departed, The Last King of Scotland, Thank You For Smoking

2007:

1. Juno
2. Knocked Up
3. The Simpsons Movie
4. Eastern Promises (none of those promises were that it'd be good...)
5. Superbad
6. Breach

Notable misses: Ratatouille (ha!), The Bourne Ultimatum, No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood

2008:

1. The Dark Knight

Notable misses: What's as good as Ledger in The Dark Knight?

Have fun at the movies. Buy two tubs of popcorn, if you're with Jessica Duke....

The Aviator

I'm a basketball coach... a young basketball coach, and that puts me in a position to teach the game to and play the game with my high school players. One thing, though...

I'm one of the tallest people at my school.

See, I live in Brownsville, TX, which is 90-plus percent Hispanic. And, let's be honest, Hispanics are not known for their "verticalness."

Everyone asks me what it's like to be able to dunk. In a word: AMAZING.

And the next thing they ask is what it's like to dunk on someone.

It's a rush. Almost like flying. Yesterday, I got another sampling of that. I dunked on some kid who's a few inches taller than I (which is correct... I'm an English teacher, too). Now, to his credit, he's young, hasn't fully grown into his limbs, and WHITE. So maybe those rumors will persist. (And maybe Wesley's cleavage just made this a PG-13 blog...)

Before my wife and I moved to Brownsville, I'd never flown (on a plane). I was lucky enough to be on a jet, which means FAST. All I can say is that it was a rush.

When I was in high school, I was a member of the After Hours Jazz Ensemble; we played one of Frank Sinatra's standards. It'd be my theme song, if I were a flight school instructor.

Dunking = being on a jet + "Come Fly With Me"

P.S. No Hispanics were harmed in the posting of this blog... No flight-related incidents to report...

How many "good" movies have you seen? The 2000s - Part I

People are always talking about how much time they waste...

In traffic, in grocery lines, at the doctor's office, listen to pointless stories, etc...

Watching movies gets lost in that pile of laundry. We watch dumb things. So what I've decided to do is see how many "good" movies I've seen in my 25 years on the same planet on which "Pootie Tang" was filmed. This is completely subjective and based on Rotten Tomatoes' list of 100 best movies of each year. I'm starting with the 2000s and working my back. They are in order from best reviewed. The numbers are just for listing, of course...)

2000: 

1. Traffic
2. State and Main
3. The Original Kings of Comedy
4. Nurse Betty
5. Meet the Parents
6. Erin Brockovich
7. Love and Basketball
8. O Brother, Where Art Thou
9. Remember the Titans
10. Charlie's Angels
11. Keeping the Faith
    
12. Bring it On
13. Road Trip
14. Dr. T and the Women

2001:

1. Monsters, Inc.
2. In the Bedroom
3. Memento
4. Shrek
5. Gosford Park
6. Monster's Ball
7. Sexy Beast
8. Mulholland Dr.
9. The Royal Tenenbaums
10. Ocean's Eleven
11. Bridget Jones' Diary
12. The Score
13. Joy Ride

2002:

1. Catch Me If You Can
2. Ripley's Game
3. About a Boy
4. Insomnia
5. Far From Heaven
6. Spider-Man
7. Adaptation
8. Chicago
9. About Schmidt
10. Lilo & Stitch
11. The Bourne Identity
12. Barbershop
13. The Good Girl
14. Drumline

2003:

1. Finding Nemo
2. Lost in Translation
3. School of Rock
4. Shattered Glass
5. Kill Bill Vol. 1
6. Elf
7. Matchstick Men

2004:

1. The Incredibles
2. Sideways
3. Spider-Man 2
4. Million Dollar Baby
5. Shrek 2
6. Kill Bill Vol. 2
7. Mean Girls
8. Fahrenheit 9/11
9. In Good Company
10. The Manchurian Candidate
11. Ray
12. The Bourne Supremacy

So, from 2000 to 2004, I saw 60 of the best 500 movies (12 percent). I'm already seeing that I'm gonna fall into that 12-15 percent range. Not bad (by this panel of one).

More. Later.

In the Zone

Some people have a knack for popping up everywhere. It's like the opposite of all those "Where's Waldo?" books. Mike Tyson is one of those people...

ESPN sports columnist Bill Simmons developed a term (scroll down two questions below the pic of the Olsen twins) for the level a person reaches when none of his actions is no longer shocking.

Anyhow, while I was searching for a link for that Life cereal commercial, I found this.

That's about par for the course.

Hell, that might even be a birdie.

I'll be there for you...

Yesterday, while I was at a stoplight, I saw a homeless man jaywalking. Hell, everyone jaywalks, but this man HAD A WALKER, and he was doing this across SIX LANES of traffic. I was a little scared for him. I shared this story with my wife. And it led to this story:

Thursday, again at a stoplight, a man in a blue polo approached my car. I pretended not to see him until I looked over to see if he was gone AND HE WAS NOT GONE. Here's (loosely) our exchange:

Me: Hey
Him: Do you have some change you can spare, maybe a dollar?
Me: No.
Him: I'm trying to collect money for this homeless guy...
Me: (searching pockets) No.

I really didn't have any change. I'd just left Old Navy and I only had a $10 bill. I'm not about to give $10 to a strange man in a blue shirt... unless it's Papa Smurf, and we all know he can never go into a place of business. Anyhow, my wife says the solicitor could have been a friend of the homeless guy, and I said (not to be mean):

HOMELESS PEOPLE DON'T HAVE FRIENDS... except other homeless people. And that's like making friends at work or school. It's a necessity, a means of sustenance.

If you had a friend, and knew he didn't have a place to go, would you force him to sleep under the expressway? I know things wouldn't be as magical as You, Me & Dupree, but who's so much of an asshole that he couldn't let a friend sleep on the hideaway?

The Chronic: 2009

Michael Phelps... Olympic champion... American hero... stoner???

In so many ways, I don't care that Michael Phelps pulled an Afroman, so would all of these people who are trying to "get tough" with Phelps just stop it?

At 23, Phelps has more than cashed in on his Olympic success. He's set for life. Hell, he's done everything except film a rap video with Dr. Dre, which may be in the works now...

However, he won't be able to maximize some of his profitability. He's already lost Kellogg, and I'm sure other endorsers will follow suit. So, he'll have tens of millions instead of hundreds of millions. I'm sure he'll bury his head in some trillion thread-count sheets. 

This is what I find eerie.

USA Swimming has suspended Phelps for three months.

Really?

Three months?

Are the Olympics in three months?

So, who really gives a shit what Mikey (he'll eat anything) does until May?

Also who is really being hurt by this? Phelps? Really?

I mean, I know we're taught "there's no 'I' in team..." except for when there really is.